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What do nurses do all day?

November 29, 2005 -- Hi kids! My name is Peter Blake. I'm a Hollywood screenwriter, and I'm going to tell you a story. My story is called "The Mistake." It is actually just part of a much longer story called "House." "House" is on television every week, on the Fox network. And millions of people watch it--like the 15 million who are watching right now. My story is about what physicians do in hospitals to make sick people better. Physicians are really smart and cool and pretty and they save people's lives every day. But they have a few flaws, and when they make a mistake, people may die! Oh, and nurses help patients get to see physicians. Nurses also move objects around for physicians, and do secret naughty things with big powerful male physicians. See how it works? Let's begin!

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Look here. This woman is sick. Something is wrong with her liver. That is sad because she is nice and she has two nice daughters. Now look at the handsome young physician! He is Dr. Chase. He is going to help the woman. Dr. Chase knows lots of big words. And he has a nice smile. If he and his physician friends find out what is wrong with her in time, she automatically gets better! Step one: diagnosis. Step two: life saved. Dr. Chase tells the patient to ask a nurse to make an appointment, so she can see another really important physician. Dr. Chase also says he's going to tell a nurse to take a sample from the patient's body, so the smart physicians can learn more about what is wrong. They do, and she gets better. Or seems to...

Oh no! The paramedics have brought the woman back to the hospital. Her tummy hurts! Dr. Chase meets the paramedics all by himself. He does everything! He uses really cool tools to see what is wrong inside her--like a TV camera that goes inside her belly. Wow! And then he fixes her. But wait. Here is another physician, Dr. House. He is older, and maybe a little mean. But he is the smartest and coolest of all! Dr. House knows right away--like magic--that the woman has another problem in her stomach. It is very bad.

So Dr. Chase takes action! He orders that the patient be rushed to the operating room. But physicians don't have time to push gurneys, so suddenly some people appear and push the patient out of the room. Who are they? That's right: nurses! There have been no nurses here until now. The physicians did not need them, because they were busy saving the woman's life. Can you see the nurses' faces? Almost? They aren't so young and pretty as the physicians, are they? Well, where did the nurses come from? Maybe they were hiding under the bed? Very good! What's that--maybe they were part of the wallpaper, and just popped off to help when Dr. Chase needed to move something around? Well, I hope the surgeons can save the nice lady! Don't you?

Here is Dr. House again. He is talking to another physician--a surgeon! You know what surgeons do? That's right. They go inside people's bodies and move things around. They save lives, and they are so powerful, and they make big money! Isn't that cool? Anyway, Dr. House wants this surgeon to give our nice lady patient a new liver, because her old one is no good. No good! The lady's brother will donate the liver from his own body. But the surgeon does not want to help. He says the woman is too sick for the liver to help. He is afraid he will be blamed.

Now, here's the part of the story where I want the youngest kids to close their eyes and cover their ears. How young? Let's say, everyone who's too young to write for Hollywood. So, everyone under eight. Now, Dr. House tells the surgeon that if he will not operate, Dr. House will tell the surgeon's wife about naughty things the surgeon has been doing with lots of nurses. Naughty nurses! See, kids, that's what those nurses do--find them a rich, powerful surgeon and get busy, because that's their ticket out of having to work as a nurse! Anyway, the surgeon says he will help the nice lady after all. He has some problems, but he is a life-saver! Awesome!

What's that, Michael? Do physicians make mistakes? Yes, sometimes even they do. And when physicians make mistakes, patients may die, because physicians are just that important. Look at poor Dr. Chase. He was very upset about his Daddy passing away, and he did not find out the nice lady's problem soon enough. He made a mistake, and I'm very sorry to say, the nice lady died. But that Dr. House--he is so smart--he found out that the nice lady's brother was sick too. There was cancer in his liver. Dr. House found out in time to save her brother's life! That's what happens when physicians bring their "A" game. And with Dr. House, that is pretty much all the time.

And what do we have here? All the physicians are talking to the hospital lawyer Stacy. She's beautiful too! And kind of smart, though of course, no one's as smart as Dr. House. They all want to know how they can avoid paying for the mistake Dr. Chase made. Some people don't understand how important it is that physicians be able to do whatever they want, do they? Can you hear what they are saying? They are talking about important things in a very important way. And they are all so pretty. And witty. In fact, they're so pretty, and witty, if not gay, that they pity anyone who isn't a physician today!

What's that, Maya? Do nurses talk? Of course they do. That's a good question, though, because nurses almost never talk on "House." But nurses do say, "Yes, Doctor." Once in a while they say "No, Doctor." Can you say that? Very good! Why, you could be a nurse right now. Except you might not be quite big enough to wheel those patients around. And I think your Mommy and Daddy might like to see you "buckle down" and go to college instead.

Well, that's the end of our story. Next week, we'll have another story. It's called, "Oh, the Places You'll Go--If You're Smart and Cool Enough to Be a Physician!"

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